What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

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We were not on the streets..

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

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She was in good health!

Was to survive, this bastard.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

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I couldn’t, believe it.

So, i spoilt her more .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

Would this be the day?

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Comes on , in middle age.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He knew the spot.

My life is so biszare .

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As i do to all so called friends.?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

She wouldn,t have been !

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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I was 9 years of age.

She found it foreign!.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

(And it was in our own minds.)

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I think the readers, may guess!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I did it because my mum asked me too!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I was scared of men, in general

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I will be 64.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Why did i forgive my father ?

One cannot live in the past .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I have no regrets .

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

All the time i was locked up.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

This is soul school!.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

And i lived it daily.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

So whats the point in blame.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Im still living with it.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

They are buried together, in the same grave..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

It was going to be , some day.

I said to her

But, we were locked up after school.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I write beautiful poetry .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I was very sick at this time too.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I could never make a relationship work though!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But it wasn’t much.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

My family never makes their pension either.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Ive learnt so much.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Put me off passion for life!!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I never cut or harmed myself..

And who doesn’t know suffering?

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I don,t even have a pension.

When she asked me how she looked .

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She married twice! .

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

But ive been too sick for many years..

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Especially a lifetime of it.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

She loved him until the end.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

We all went to grammer schools

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Who then, do I blame.?

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

The only rule us 5 kids had .

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

What did i know ?

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I waited trembling.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I was seconnd youngest,